Saknika

So had this for a journal, and I need a new one, so...

RULE 1. You can only say Guilty or Innocent. Guilty

54. Gotten totally drunk during a holiday
Innocent

What a whirlwind this year has been. Honestly, it feels like years since I wrote that last entry, and yet it was only maybe eight months ago. I have so much going on right now I feel like I might go crazy. Constantly I tell myself to make a list, it's always easier when you have a list; and yet I don't because I don't want to actually see just how much I'm doing.

As many of you know, I love photography. One quick glance through my gallery will yield you that information, as that constituted the majority of my artwork. Yet I haven't been as active with it as I should be nor would like. So this year I'm trying to get back to those roots. Not as easy as it sounds. On top of that I've picked up henna art as a side thing. I started doing that for fun to go with my belly dancing, but people then started throwing money at me (okay, it wasn't quite that epic but hey...) to do henna on them so it sort of became a thing. That of course happened after :devkius-lady: and I got neck-deep in crafting business goodness, which we're still at. We've done two craft fairs so far this year, with more on the horizon. Super busy.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE.

So :devkius-lady: is also getting married in October, and I'm her honorary maid of honor (honorary because she doesn't have a formal wedding party). It's a fairly DIY low-budget wedding (she and her fiance don't want to marry into debt after all), which means a lot of leg-work on our part. It's been quite the roller-coaster of planning, let me tell you what. I'm glad I'm not the wedding planner, just a helper. I think actually planning a wedding would make me batty. LOL It's going to be absolutely beautiful though, and I'm so excited for her. However, I'm also excited to exchange wedding activities with either quietness or creativeness after October.

Amidst this, I still hold my 40hr week day-job making architectural signage. It certainly pays the bills, but it very much gets in the way of my life goals at the moment. I'd really like to be self-employed, but that's going to take a lot more work to achieve. Student loans are a bitch. :P

And so, I lead a very busy life as of late. Every weekend seems to be go-go-go, and there's hardly a moment of down-time. Either I'm working on a personal business venture. or I have plans with friends, or there are wedding things to be done, or something else pops up. Just so much.

I will say that all this activity has allowed me to really find out more about myself and who I want to be. After all, with a flurry of activity comes a flurry of not only accomplishments, but mistakes. So this has been a year of learning for me as well.

Hopefully I'll have even more art for you soon. For now, enjoy what I've shared thus far, and I'll catch you on the flip-side. ♥

So if you've noticed, my last deviation of 2013, and my first deviation of 2014 were both mandalas created using sacred geometry. I've always loved mandalas, and sacred geometry, so to get into the art of it all is really awesome to me. On top of that earlier in 2013 I got into zentangles. I've yet to scan any of those in though, so I don't have them up... yet. Trust me, they're coming.

As much as I love photography, honestly, I think I'm enjoying these artforms more! They're just extremely meditative, which I find nice. Photography was once that for me too, then I started a business with it. It's not meditative much anymore. The nice thing about the mandalas and zentangle though, is at best I'll sell what I create as prints, and in that way it's still just art made for me that happens to now have a dollar value too. Doing photography for others though... that gets stressful.

I'm really looking forward to sharing more of this artwork with everyone though! So I hope you're excited to see it!

(Also, I really wanted to post something happy so it wasn't a depressing journal when people came to my page. Healing~♥)

RIP Tsuki. <3

My poor kitty Tsuki had cancer. We found out about two weeks ago when we noticed her drooling and it had blood in it. She was never a cat to drool, and the blood was a concern. We all figured it was a bad tooth, but the vet found a sore in her mouth on the tongue. Biopsy came back with cancer. It took me a bit to decide, but I came to the conclusion that when it was time to put her to sleep, I wanted to be there. I brought her home, I raised her with as much love and care as I could, I couldn't just abandon her now; no matter how difficult it was.

So long as she could eat and drink though, we had some time. The vet had told us it was aggressive and wouldn't be long, but it still feels like it went way too fast. The sore and cancer caused her tongue to swell up, effectively making it so she couldn't eat or drink. No way to remove it either, not without taking most of her tongue and she needed that to survive. So we gave her what time we could, and spoiled her.

For a while she was going in and out like normal, and she was able to eat soft food. Then, slowly, that stopped too and the bleeding became more frequent as her tongue more readily caught on her teeth. What was most heartbreaking though is she was always immaculately clean. As much as she loved to be pet and pampered, she only gave you so long before she had to wash your oils off of herself. Her white fur was never dirty. With her tongue in as rough shape as it was though, she couldn't clean herself and every time she tried she ended up just matting more blood into her fur.

Then last Friday she stopped eating. It was late though, so we figured we'd call the vet in the morning. Saturday however she was drinking, and it seemed like maybe she was able to nibble a bit. So we thought that maybe her tongue had just been irritated the night before and some excess swelling had gone down. We didn't make the call. In hindsight we should have called, but none of us liked having her fate in our hands, and we didn't want to take life from her if she wasn't suffering and was still doing okay.

Sunday night she was showing signs of wear though, and we knew that it was over. Mom was going to call the vet in the morning, and we were going to end all the suffering. She ended up howling though, pacing, bleeding everywhere, and just generally stressing herself out over not being able to go back outside. So Mom let her out. She had been coming back readily before.

When it was Wednesday and she hadn't returned, we figured that was it. She had gone off like many animals will do given the chance, and found a place to die. I still had a sliver of hope though that she'd come back, because I knew that it takes a week really to starve so maybe she was still alive and just wandering like she did before. This cat would be gone for a week at a time, and then just show back up telling us all about her adventures between gulps of food.

Another of our cats, Floyd, came back with blood on his face. We couldn't find any wounds though, and so we all came to the conclusion that he had found Tsuki and nuzzled her, trying to rouse her. Floyd is a very protective cat, so this was not something we'd find odd. That being the case, we figured her to be dead, and planned on walking the perimeter of the house and wooded areas to try to find the body to bury. Floyd doesn't venture too far from the house, so if it was Tsuki's blood like we surmised, then she had to be close.

While I was at work Friday (today still for me), she came home. Worse for the wear, but she returned. Dad texted me immediately, and my gut reaction was to leave work and go home to her. I didn't do that though. I did mention to my bosses and coworkers though that she had turned up, and my one boss, Michelle, exclaimed "Are you kidding!? I thought that cat was gone for good!", which basically echoed all our sentiments. When I got home I basically tossed my coat and bag on my bed, and went to sit and pet her. At that point she was doing okay. Didn't seem to be suffering, was just curled up happily in my brother's closet resting. She talked to me a bit when I pet her, and purred contently. We at least had until tomorrow (well, today now, Saturday) before we needed to call the vet, no need to bother him after hours.

That was about 4:45pm.

I took a nap around 5:15pm, and woke around 7:30pm to Mom on the phone with the vet.

Tsuki wasn't doing good. In fact, she was going downhill fast, and the bleeding wouldn't stop. Her tongue was swollen to the point that she couldn't keep it in her mouth, and her teeth were constantly digging into it. She was suffering now. Our best guess is when she came in, she was so cold and frozen from the frigid temperatures that the swelling was at a minimum. When she warmed up, everything expanded again. Her hunger and thirst returned. She could not eat or drink, and the pain of all of it was setting in.

The vet gave us three options.

He was four hours away, but heading back. We could put her to sleep when he got back tonight, we could wait until morning (and see if she passed in the night), or we could try to find an emergency vet clinic to take her to and have them put her to sleep.

We opted to have him call us when he got back in the area and go from there.

Tsuki has never been good in cars. In fact, she has clawed her way out of the cardboard carriers to escape the vehicle she gets so stressed and panicked. So I immediately ruled out taking her to an emergency clinic because with where we live, minimum, she'd have had a 30min car ride or more. I was pretty certain she could not make the ride, she'd probably die of the stress with how emaciated and weak she was.

At this time I lit a candle. Not because I wanted to, but I had to. I absolutely could not go without lighting that candle, it truly felt like if I didn't light the candle, I would suffocate. As soon as the candle was lit for her, I just got a sense that when the candle died, time was up.

Four hours later the candle flame flickered out. Fifteen minutes after the candle died, the vet called. Did we want to take her in tonight, he was willing to meet us at the clinic. The clinic that was only ten minutes from us.

Mom was unsure, because she really did look like at that point she was almost gone. There was a good chance she'd pass away that night. Dad doesn't cope well with sadness, and so he turned to anger instead and told Mom he didn't care what we did, just make a decision but he didn't like it when animals suffer (read: I am upset by this, but I'm not good at expressing sadness and as tough an exterior as I put on I cannot bring myself to make the final decision). Seeing that this situation was not going to get any better, I stepped up and said it was time, we needed to take her tonight.

I couldn't take the chance that she actually survived the night, which would mean that we had let her suffer far longer than necessary. And I knew I wouldn't sleep well not knowing if she had passed away or not. As it is I was checking in on her where she was now sleeping in my parents' bathroom sink every half-hour to pet her and love her and tell her it was okay to let go; in-between watching episodes of Ayatsuri Sakon to keep my mind occupied. Not only that, but healing couldn't begin so long as her life still hung in the balance like that.

This was about 12:50am Saturday, today. Still Friday to me.

So around 1:15am we all piled into Dad's truck, Tsuki in a box on my lap, and headed to the vet's office. Usually she fought tooth and nail, this time all I needed was to be petting her head and she didn't have the strength to fight back. My heart was breaking in a million pieces over and over again. She would howl here and there to voice the stress, but overall she didn't seem to notice she was in a vehicle. Only when we hit bumps, really.

The vet was already there when we arrived.

He gave her a sedative first to calm her, and then gave us some time with her while he prepared the final injection to take away all her pain. We stood with her, petting her, talking to her. Crying. Mom almost had an anxiety attack. I was sick to my stomach. Dad and my sister seemed to be handling it a bit better.

Then it was over. Mom asked how long it would take, and the vet told us he gets the kind of stuff that is far more controlled and more difficult to obtain due to red tape, but that's because it's so potent and that usually the animal didn't last through the whole injection. He verified that yes, she was gone, and even he stayed and pet her for a few minutes with us. We truly are blessed with a wonderful, loving veterinarian. He did not have to pet her after all was said and done, but he did. It was a solemn moment.

She rode back home on my lap too, in her box. It seemed so much heavier on the ride home.

I lit another candle, this time to send her on to be with her sister who passed years before after being hit by a car (not the driver's fault, she darted in front of him in the pitch dark and she was a dark-colored cat. Driver was good enough to call and tell us he had hit her too, and to help us bring her back to the house and such). Right now though I can still feel her in the house, and I'm sure she'll roam in spirit here and there no matter what.

She's at peace now though. The suffering is over. The friendship, love, and memories are forever. We can heal.

Still, she was only eight and a half years old. She left us far too soon.

Through it all though I am so grateful to all my friends, family, and coworkers who have been here for me through it. I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful individuals both near and far. Through the whole thing my friend xkaymex was there for me on AIM, since he lives across the country from me, just listening. I knew there really wasn't anything he could do for me, but just that he was there to listen meant so much.

Usually I'd have my boyfriend, Steve, too; but he has a stomach bug and I wanted him to sleep. Had I contacted him, he would have pushed through his illness to be here with me, and I didn't want that.

So it's over. No more suffering, no more wondering. All that's left is to clean up the bloody spots she left behind and bury her tomorrow morning before the snow falls.

So...I'm sure some of you have been wondering where the hell I've been this year. I only went from being pretty active on here to practically non-existent. >_>;

Let's just say it has been a craaaaaazy busy year for me. Honestly, I find myself wondering all the time how I'm going to be able to accomplish everything I have to do. The sad thing is most of it I've opted to do myself, it's not like it's school work or something.

I will try to summarize.

So at the beginning of this year, it was crafting. Insane amounts of crafting. KiusLady and I had a good chunk of stuff to do to really make things happen for the little business we have going, so we tried to crack down. I was also finishing up Christmas gifts that were custom-sewn costumes, as I needed to have the recipients try things on before I put in the final zippers and such; make sure they fit and all.

Of course, when it's cold out, I'm also just generally less active anyways.

Come spring, I started going regularly to Lolita meetups in my area. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I enjoy the Lolita fashion style. It's hella adorable, and I think I look fantastic in it (along with my fellow fashion enthusiasts). Believe it or not, we tend to have meets once or twice a month, and that can get really busy really fast. But they're a lot of fun so I'm not complaining. We do all sorts of things, from DDR and Mario Kart to picnics, to vising museums and going bowling. Anything is fair game!

Spring also brought the return of craft fairs for KiusLady and I, which meant we had to get organized in that sense again. We don't do many, but that's probably for the best right now because it's a lot of prep work. So about every-other month we end up at a craft fair, and that works out nice. It's a wonderful bit of side-income too, which we can't complain about.

On top of that, I'm still doing photography. Business is actually picking up a tad bit this year. Not much, but some. I'm not complaining. And I am doing workshops at the SUNY Outreach Center in Albany, which is fun too. They're free, but I am making a lot of wonderful connections with people who are hiring me for other things. So, they do me good. Plus, they let me test out teaching without having to worry that people are paying for a load of crap. Gives me an excellent foundation on which to build paid classes through my local continuing education center.

Of course, as if all this isn't enough, I'm also doing paid gigs for belly dancing here and there too. I go, by myself, to a local restaurant and hookah lounge to dance for around an hour. They pay me, patrons tip me, and I get to dance and have fun. It's a win-win-win situation as far as I'm concerned. But it does take a lot out of you, as there's a decent amount of prep work to that too.

Just when you thought that was a lot, let me also tell you I've really gotten into the nitty-gritty of henna, and am starting to take paid requests. In fact, I've been hired to do a First Friday for November people like my work so much! Not what I was expecting from this particular endeavor, but hey, why not? I enjoy it, people seem to enjoy my work (especially drunk people LMAO), works for me.

So that's been my year in a nutshell. And the remainder of my year is looking like more of the same. This month alone I have two photoshoots (both for engagements! <3), two Lolita meetups, a craft fair, a workshop at the SUNY outreach center, a Halloween/Birthday party, possibly a belly dance workshop, one paid belly dance gig, and of course Halloween itself.

Not to mention I still put in 40hrs a week at the day job with crazy customers. Thankfully, I'm not super-stressed-out like I was over the summer with all the requests due to construction. My workload is back to being manageable now, but it's still a full-time job.

You could say my available time for DeviantART (and much of the internet) has been... lacking. >_>;;;

I am going to try to be more active though, promise! I might even have more photos to post soon! LOL ...I hope...